Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Story of Shades of Joy and Pain

     February 8, 2011 was another birthday in the next generation of Conrads. This put me in a different frame of mind. Not so that my mind set really changed that much ,but change some it did.  I began to see our family's circle of  life. Much like the circles of a tree. The next generation of Conrads beginning another circle in the Conrad tree of life. Beautiful children  having their own beautiful children. Remembering the emotions, sights, smells, and love I felt at the birth of my children. The love Dick and I shared in a tangible form-our beautiful children. Emotions are pushed to the front for me today. Some bring great joy -some bring sadness. Joy for the birth of this beautiful boy. Joy for his parents. For I know fully how they feel at this time of their lives. All the hopes they are imagining for their son. Dreams begining to form for his future. Contentment for the gift of this child. Children bring fulfilment to a circle joined by two who love each other. A true blessing from God above.
     Sadness for the ones who have left us. They,and we, must wait for their meeting of this generation of Conrads. Sadness for these young ones who will only know them from stories told by the "Older Conrads". And I 'm sure there will be stories told. Conrads are good storytellers. Rich in family history. This is a very attractive thing to one ,as I, who has very little family history. It is good to know from where we come. But we make our own future and a future can be had without family history. It is just nice and comforting to know.
      I also know some time in this year I will be grandmother,G-Ma, to another Conrad. Will I be allowed to meet this new person? That is another source of my sadness. Knowing as it stands now the answer to that question will be -no. This is painful to acknowledge ,that my new grandchild may never get to know me. Never get to see who I am. Never get to know his or her aunts and uncles. And we are still on this earth. But we will be placed in the catagory of storytelling. Some good I hope. It appears to be if you have died you will be fondly remembered. If you are still living that is questionable.
     I really think a lot on the ones who have gone before us. Do they see what is going on here? Or does it even interupt their Heavenly joy to look at what we are doing here? Once you have lost someone ,as close as your own skin, you think and see so much more of how we treat each other. You feel so much more deeply-all emotions. Joyful and painful with all the degrees in the middle. I revel in their joy but it brings about the knowledge of what I no longer have.Of what I will not be allowed. And that is painful to live with.
     Maybe the darker shades of this story are because of the snowstorm outside? But truthfully it is because I live on the other side of the glass. The outside looking in. I am the shaker to the snowglobe dreaming of happiness and wonderment of the life inside the pretty globe. I once lived inside ,but my circle resides on the outside looking in now. I see all the happiness and joy. I remember when those were mine. Just looking through a different set of glasses.
     Yes ,I know there is still life to live and enjoy. I know happiness is my making. I know I should look forward and not backward. I know some think I am not accepting what is the natural process. Some feel I should be in a different place "by now". But walk in my shoes and look through my eyes. Feel with my heart.  Then we will be the same and we can sit and talk about it.
      Everytime I sit in front of this computer to add to this blog I always have a story to tell. It always comes out completely different than my original story. My fingers touch the keys and the story takes hold of my hands and tells itself. Everytime. Everytime. Everytime!

   The Bling for today is the birth of this beautiful boy and the joy that comes with him.  And my Bling is memories. Always eternally in my heart. Everyone deserves to Sparkle.

1 comment:

  1. You are such a good storyteller. I hope that some how some way the roads that are keeping you apart from seeing the baby to be this year will no longer be a road of separate ways but a road of togetherness.