Saturday, January 8, 2011

Big Decision Made !

I know I've been away for a looooong time! But I'm back!

I've been thinking so hard on a choice I never thought I would ever have to make. To move away from "Home".

Home for me has been the Texas panhandle for almost 40 years! Wow! That's a statement in itself.  Forty years! I have lived in a few cities in the panhandle, but always in the panhandle. Never-ever- in my life have I lived in one place longer than 2-3 years. Until moving to the panhandle of Texas. Like military kids. We moved so often I never belonged to a group ,any group of any kind. Moving around so much trains you to find activities ,in school or otherwise, that don't require years of past involvement to be able to do your new interest. Art and music where areas I was always drawn to. You either had some talent to get in or you were a good helper. Fetch and tote everyone can do. You learn to create your own environment.

To some degree I have always done just that -created my own environment. It's just that my environment has been in the panhandle for 40 years.So I guess that is what a home feels like? And this is what it feels like to be leaving "Home"?

My children have all left home and moved away from me,but I have NEVER  moved away from my children. I'm finding that more difficult to do than I exspected. It is the natural order of things -to move on. Right? Well I'm moving on-sort of. Still in Texas but not in the panhandle. As I stated elsewhere-I think I've done all the living I can do in the panhandle.

So to the lakehouse I go. Cottage Conrad. My haven and retreat from what has happened to change my feelings while in the panhandle. My comfort place where I can find happy thoughts and good feelings.

I thought about this move for a year. I stayed for long periods of time at the Cottage to "see" if this would work for me. I think it will be a good place for me. My pain seems to live mostly in the panhandle or it doesn't raise it's ugly head as often at the Cottage. My memories follow me there but the pain of loss doesn't consume me at my lakehouse.

Now to the task of selling yet again another house.I will sell my Canyon,Texas house. Move into the Cottage. I will add on more living space and more accommodations for guests.

But first things first. Deciding what goes with me to the Cottage,what goes to my children,what goes into storage (until addition is finished) and what is to be sold. We will also be going through the things of Dick I wanted my children to have or thought they may like to have of their dad's. Hopefully this will be the last time for me to do this. Go through the seperation and feeling of such loss. I do find pleasure in the items my children choose that speak to them of their dad. Touching to see what is "Dad" to them. Makes me wonder what represents me to them?

Enough of this today. Another post another day.

My Bling and Sparkle is Cottage Conrad and the decision to move to a more peaceful place.......for me. Selfishly it is about me I can't continue to hold together a family if I don't strengthen myself. This move will strengthen me. And for the one who chooses to not belong nor follow I simply offer a prayer.

May you be blessed with an open and forgiving heart. May you also be blessed with a mended heart from the losses that have turned you from your family. May you one day remember you are loved. May you feel the loving embrace of God each day. May you come back to the understanding arms of the ones who love you deeply. By God's grace all will come to be.

1 comment:

  1. It is the right decision! I am happy for you but will miss seeing your bright and shining face as often as I'm use to. Guess it means more road trips. :) Love you!!!