Sunday, April 11, 2010

Learning to See What I was Given

April 12,2010 will be our 41rst anniversary. The last three I have celebrated on my own. It is still difficult to see all I -we- were given and not ache for what is missing. Knowing each other for 40 years and married for 38 of those years. We had six great children. Dick knew 12 of the 13 grandchildren. We owned in our lives together two homes. The last one we shared is now on the market and waiting for another family. I know in my mind what blessings we shared but my heart still misses the things I lost. I say I lost because where Dick is today these things are of no matter to him. His heart is full of love and joy I could only imagine.My heart is full of the only love I have known. Dick and my family. As tomorrow's date approaches I fall closer to the ache of my heart and farther away from the Bling of my life. I am always amazed as to how two organs can live in one body and feel so seperate. My brain seems to have no connection to my heart. Rational thought does not tie into the feelings of my heart.You would think that after your brain has been told the information of your loved one's death and all the sentiments of him being in a better places and times heals all hurts that your heart would catch -on and stop pleading for your lost love.
I have been given many things of this world and oh so many blessings. One of my blessings is knowing and sharing my life with Dick. Knowing that he loved me almost from the moment we met. Knowing he loved his family and worked to provide for his family. I know he was a gift to me from God .He was made for me. And after knowing all of this I think that is what keeps my brain and heart seperate--- I had the perfect and complete love of my life . Yes - we were all too human in our treatment of each other. We had good and bad times but truly the feeling never changed. We were no different from many other couples=but the feelings never changed. How do you go from having that love to no love because you know it will never be the same? Everyone says some day things will be different and better, but what if you don't want different --you want what was ? What was the love you know you were meant to have. I want my children to know their parents loved each other. I want them to know we loved our children. I want our children to be blessed with the same deep love we had----and to see that love and appreciate it. I did not have grandparents most of my life. I did not have my parents in my life for most of it. I did not have a sense of home growing up.  The first and true constant in my life was Dick. For the most of my life, thus far ,Dick and our lives together was and still is the safest and truest place I ever felt that I belonged.  My Bling in this life was the love given to me --Dick. I hope I made him Sparkle.  He definitely added Sparkle to mine. Happy Anniversary.

1 comment:

  1. You my friend know how to get the tears flowing..LOL! I feel all the same feelings you are having. I just wish there was a way to take away the sadness. I can celebrate the memories but I can't celebrate being here by myself. It will never be the same but I'm always here. You help me so much. The other day when you came to my rescue and help me out of my dark hole is the moments I try to treasure now. I feel dumb sometimes crying...why...its not changing anything! I feel like I should be ready to move on but current situations show me I am not so guess what...I cry some more. I don't know if its wrong but I prayed for John to release to my heart. The hold he has on me is something I never knew until now..and its to late. This is my situation and it only barely compares to what you have to be going through. I hate that sometimes I have to lean on you more than I should but I hope you don't mind. You help me sparkle...even when I don't feel like. So...Happy Anniversay! If you want to celebrate, cry or yell just let me know I am here.