There are some times in one's life when you have an "Ah Ha" moment where everything appears crystal clear. And there are those times ....you know ... those other times when not one damn thing is even trying to come into focus.
Well guess...just guess which one I'm having. Go ahead. Go on...you can say it! Yep... it's the not a damn thing coming into focus time. Been stuck here for some time. And I don't like it.....not one stinkin' little bit!
So....the one thing I've noticed bit is....as much as it may have been the cause of a few arguments to have someone around to discuss any subject with....it likewise was a very big help to bounce back and forth ideas until a solution came into view. I miss that. When everyone is on the same playing level and the decision made effects equally.
When I was a partner of two, we would both live with the outcome of the decision. Now that there is only myself why is it so much more difficult to make any decision? What's up with that!?! Now it is only my feelings with which to be concerned. Not so. Because I never truly was just a partner of two. For so many years I have been connected to so many. My decisions affect several.
I really don't remember, when I married and moved away from home, of thinking how that would be with anyone else except for my new husband and myself. I do believe this may be the first time in my life (except when my husband died and I moved from our house to another one) that I have thought about what a big move would be for other's in my life. How would it change these relationships? How would it change me? Is it smart or selfish? Is it wise or a mistake? Have I really put "a lot of thought" into it? When did I turn into this person that can not make up my own mind? Is age really making me weak? Cowardly?
I know, I know....put my big girl panties on and get on with it! I wanted to be a grown up....well here is the grown up stuff to deal with. I would give anything to have someone around to argue this with now. We are meant to be connected with others. We are stronger as a partner. Or for me this appears to be the case.